DISCLAIMER:
The characters belong to MCA/Universal and were used without permission. No copyright infringement was intended and no money was made.

Send feedback to camansfi@calpoly.edu

**********

Iphicles and the Seven Gods
by Oshun Anat

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away, lived a king named Jason. Unlike most fairy tales, this particular king was not very happy. He had fallen in love with Alcmene, the mother of his childhood friend. Aside from the fact that she was a commoner, his advisors would not allow the marriage because they saw this as something akin to incest—and everyone knew that only the dirty Athenians actually did that. Still, Jason was determined to marry her, so he set out to find an heir.

First he asked Hercules, since not only was he a fair and just Demigod, and his closest childhood friend. To his dismay, Hercules declined the offer, saying that he wanted to keep adventuring. But everyone knew that he just wanted to keep fucking his lover Iolaus, something that the stuffy advisors would not allow.

Undaunted, Jason moved on to Alcmene's oldest son, Iphicles. Jason didn't feel that Iphicles would make a better ruler than Hercules, but was desperately getting horny by this point, (for even Zeus knows what a sweet lay she was), so asked him anyway. Elated at the prospect of having an accomplishment that not even the great Hercules has done, he accepted the offer.

Jason was ecstatic. He stepped down from the throne, promptly fucked Alcmene and then presided over the coronation ceremony of his new stepson.

It is now three years later. Much to everyone's surprise, (least of all, Hercules') Iphicles has become a good ruler, and Corinth is prospering. There was a minor incident where his wife died in childbirth and like usual, all of his relatives ignored him, not even bothering to send a scroll of condolence. He was depressed for a while, until he took a new lover, Ares the god of war.

Now the advisors were not overly thrilled with this arrangement, for they were still bent on getting an heir for the throne. Still, the advisors weren't idiots, and they were rather fond of the living world, so they didn't say anything, leaving their king to his divine lover.

Of course, if this was the end of the story, it wouldn't be much of a fairy tale, so let us traverse across the sea to budding Empire of Rome to meet the villain of our story....

In the land of Rome lived a general by the name of Julius Caesar. Caesar was yet another one of Ares' lovers, and he loved to brag about sleeping with the god of war. Despite the glory this brought him, Caesar was a very vain and jealous man, and could not tolerate competition. So one day, he had Autolycus, King of Thieves steal a mirror from one of Aphrodite's Temples. Every day he would wake up and ask this mirror, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, of all of Ares' lovers, who is the most handsome, wisest and most strategic ruler of them all?"

To which the mirror (which was not in the mood to get shattered) would reply: "Of all of Ares' lovers, it is you, oh great General"

This would please Caesar greatly, and he would start the day with a smile on his face. Things took a dramatic turn one day when freshly out of a bath, he asked his great mirror, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, of all of Ares' lovers, who has the greatest cock of them all?"

The mirror, having decided to throw caution to the wind for a minute, deigned to reply with a snicker: "Though this answer you do not warrant; that person is the King of Corinth."

To say that this upset Caesar is a bit of an understatement. Furious he replied, "This can not be! He can not be better hung than Me! I will send the assassin Jett to Corinth to kill this king—and then my cock will again rule supreme!"

Being a man of his word, he called for the Goddess Discord who much preferred Caesar to Iphicles for he was evil enough to out-manipulate Ares.

Arriving with her customary cat's screech, she asked, "You rang?"

"Get me the assassin Jett, I want the King of Corinth dead!"

Normally, Discord doesn't take commands from mortals, but happy to see that he planned to have Iphicles killed, she complied.

"Ho, great assassin Jett. You will go to Corinth and kill the King, so that my cock my reign supreme!"

Discord and Jett then looked at Caesar as if he was crazy, but then Jett shrugged. He really didn't care why people were to be killed, so long as he gets to kill them.

"As you wish, my Lord Caesar."

With that, Discord and Jett flashed out, leaving Caesar to himself.

The plot being set in motion, we return to Corinth, where Iphicles had decided to go on a relaxing ride through the forest, having ingeniously ditched his guards. He was about to turn back when his horse suddenly shied, throwing him to the ground before galloping away.

"Damn it!" In Iphicles confusion, Jett attacked, and had Iphicles not been the protagonist of our story, he would have died, instead, in a fairy-tale style miracle, he killed Jett with his own knife, only getting a few minor bruises. Having dealt with the assassin, he started walking back toward the city.

After a few hours of walking, he became tired and hungry, and much to his delight alighted upon a cottage that he had missed on his journey.

The king being rather naïve about how much time each day Ares watched him said, "Ares must have realized my plight and set me up this cottage for the night!"

Walking inside he realized that indeed this cottage was much bigger on the inside that he thought possible. He also noticed a strange pattern of things occurring in groups of seven. There were seven chairs around the table, seven bedrooms, and seven chests of bondage toys. That last one particularly intrigued him, but his stomach then growled reminding him to eat.

He quickly satisfied his hunger, tided up a bit, and went to take a nap on the largest bed in the house.

Now, despite Iphicles' belief, Ares did not set up this cottage. Rather, it was owned by seven junior Gods who pooled their energy to make one big house.

The owners of this place were in no particular order: Asclepius (occasionally called "Doc" just to harass him) Strife, Deimos, Phobos, Lacrimos (Who no one really liked, but felt pity for), Hypnos ("Sleepy" when the others were pissed off at him) and Cupid.

So one by one the Gods came home when they noticed a mortal's signature in their cottage.

"Of all the nerve! Who dares to enter our place?" demanded Asclepius.

"For Zeus' sake, Doc. Lighten up...we might be able to use this mortal to our advantage!" replied Cupid. The others nodded their heads in agreement, knowing full well that this indeed was something that all Gods excelled at—well, except maybe for Lacrimos, but that's another story.

Agreeing on a plan, the Gods went in search of the intruding mortal. They systematically worked their way through all the bedrooms, finding nothing until they peered into Cupid's, and amazingly enough; they found the mortal that they were seeking.

"Isn't that…?" asked Deimos

"Yes, it is," confirmed Strife

"Oooh...Ares' lover all to ourselves!" Cupid sighed contently.

"But how are we going to keep him without Ares' frying our asses?" Asclepius asked in a less-than eloquent manner.

"We will find out what he is doing here, and then go from there," Cupid stated plainly. He may be one of the younger Gods, but the others respected him because he knew the best tricks for hiding lovers from disapproving parents.

Hypnos walked over to the bed. "Come on, mortal—wakey-wakey."

The others stared at Hypnos is disbelief. "Wakey-wakey?"

Hypnos huffed defensively. "Hey! Cut a God some slack! After a while, all those lullabies that I have to invent for my followers get to me."

The others just looked away from Hypnos, trying not to laugh, but Deimos failed, and the obnoxious noise was enough to bring Iphicles from his slumber.

He sat up and screamed. "What…what are you doing in this place?!"

Strife sighed. "This is why I wanted Unc to spend more time with Caesar—that mortal is smart!"

Cupid glared at Strife, and said quietly through clenched teeth. "If you insult the mortal, we aren't going to get him to do what we want!"

"Oops?" Strife said.

"Whatever." Cupid turned back to Iphicles. "We are here because, this is our house, we live here. The question is what are you doing here?"

Iphicles sighed as he realized that his theory about Ares providing for him in this unusual manner wasn't true. "Well…I was riding in the woods when I was attacked by an assassin. I killed him and started to walk back to Corinth. I got tired, found this place and decided to eat and rest up."

"You poor man! Why don't you stay here with us a few days, we'll tell Ares that you are recovering from your attack so that he won't worry."

"I don't know," Iphicles replied uncertainly. He had the feeling that Ares wouldn't like finding his lover sleeping with other Gods.

"You deserve a vacation, look at you, all stressed out. Stress can kill you, I should know." Asclepius said.

"Listen to him, Iphicles," Phobos added. "After all, he is the God of Medicine."

"Well…you'll really let me stay? What's the catch?" Evidentially, Iphicles wasn't as stupid as the Gods had thought.

"Oh, nothing major, really. You won't have to do any housework, or cleaning. Just be our little sex toy for the next few days," Cupid said silkily.

Iphicles' eyes danced in excitement. Only sluts slept around, and since he was a slut, Iphicles said, "I'll do it."

Cupid smiled. "Excellent, Your Highness. You won't regret it." He shooed the other gods out of the room, promising them their turn later, then flashed away his and Iphicles' clothes.

Pushing Iphicles down onto the silk sheets, he straddled Iphicles' face. "Suck me."

And Iphicles happily complied.

A few days had passed since Caesar had sent Jett to kill Iphicles, so he thought that it was high time to ask the mirror about the status of who had the best cock.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, Of all of Ares' lovers, who has the best cock of them all?"

If mirrors had faces then this one surely would have smirked before replying, "Despite the death you sought to bring, King Iphicles' cock still reigns supreme."

"No! This can not be! Jett could not have failed me! DISCORD!"

The Dominatrix-wannabe Goddess appeared. "You bellowed?"

"King Iphicles is still alive! His cock must not be allowed to thrive!"

Discord was really worried about Caesar and his rhyming fixation. "You're problem is his cock?" Mortals were crazy; Caesar just helped reinforce her belief.

He nodded, "If Iphicles' cock were not so great, then Ares would solely be my bed mate!"

She jotted a note to see if someone had put a spell on Caesar and then replied, "It's not a problem. I have this lovely potion of Aphrodite's. Once he consumes it, he will not be able to get a hard on. His cock will be useless!"

"A plan most brilliant, evil One. Let us see it done!"

"Enough. I'll take care of the King...you just try and stop rhyming."

Caesar glared at her, but the Goddess had already left.

Iphicles had adjusted so well to the role of sex slave, that the Gods had extended the chain so that he could walk about anywhere in the cottage. They couldn't let him outside; they didn't want to risk him getting hurt by a repeated assassination attempt.

Before leaving for work, Cupid kissed Iphicles and said "If anyone comes to the door selling do not answer them, I don't want to see you hurt."

"Yes, Cupid."

"Good boy." Cupid flashed out.

Iphicles put on a simple shift and amused himself reading books in the library and wistfully thinking that he would have to return to Corinth in another day or so when he heard the doorbell ring.

Cupid's warning rang in his head, but because this is a fairy tale, and Iphicles still managed to be naïve, he opened the door.

Outside that door stood an old woman, dressed in simple clothes carrying a basket of goods. Iphicles didn't think she looked dangerous.

"Hello, Sir, My name is Erisia. I was heading into the city to trade my wares, and I was wondering if I could offer you any?"

Iphicles was a kind man, and was willing to help a simple old woman.

"What are you selling?"

She pulled out a bottle. "This a potion blessed by the Goddess Aphrodite herself. It is sure to increase your potency. It is said that by drinking this, you can keep up with a god!"

Iphicles raised his eyebrows. It did annoy him that he could never have more than a few erections in one night, and Cupid always refused his request to make him magically hard because it wasn't healthy.

"How much are you selling it for?" Iphicles wasn't sure if it would work or not, but if it was reasonable, it would certainly be worth trying.

"Ten dinars, and if you would be so kind, some food to keep me until I reach the city."

Iphicles decided that was certainly doable, food magically replenished itself in the house, and ten dinars were nothing to him.

"I can not refuse an offer like that, Madam. Let me go get your payment."

Discord smiled. "Thank you kind sir."

He returned shortly with the coins and a basket filled with food. "Here you go. May the gods go with you."

She smiled, and curtsied and left the cottage in the woods.

Iphicles held up the small bottle to the light and waited for all seven of his lovers to return home.

The Gods came home right on time, and Iphicles rushed Asclepius into his bedroom.

"Let me suck you, Iphicles."

Iphicles certainly wasn't going to complain. He did panic briefly when he didn't feel his cock getting hard. He then assumed that the potion made it take longer to get hard.

But after twenty minutes, he was still soft.

"What am I doing wrong?!" Asclepius was a wreck. Never before had he had an impotent lover. It wasn't medical; he would have sensed that.

"The potion! It failed!" Iphicles wailed.

At hearing the word 'potion' Asclepius stopped thinking about sex and went into professional mode. "What potion?"

"And old woman...she sold me one of Aphrodite's potions. It was supposed to give me stamina to keep up with the gods!"

Asclepius groaned. Normally, Aphrodite's potions worked perfectly, but when they went awry, they really messed things up. "CUPID!"

Cupid flashed in. "What's wrong?"

"I...I can't get hard! My cock! It's worthless!" Iphicles sobbed.

"He took one of Aphrodite's potions...it was supposed to keep him hard all night."

Cupid shook his head. "No, that can't be right. Mom doesn't make any potions like that."

Through his tears, Iphicles asked, "Then what did I drink?"

Cupid shrugged. "I don't know. We'll have to ask Mom."

A quick thought brought a peeved Goddess of Love to the cottage of the Seven Gods. "What's so important that you had to interrupt my bubble bath?"

"I can't...I can't get hard!" There was a wet spot on the sheet from Iphicles' tears.

"He drank one of your potions, but we can't figure out which one."

"She...she said that it had been blessed by you! I should have known better...she only charged me ten dinars!"

"A potion blessed by me for only ten dinners! The nerve! My potions are like *so* not that cheap!"

"Then maybe she had stolen it?" Cupid suggested.

"Impossible!" Denied a sniffling Iphicles. "Erisia looked way to sweet to steal anything!"

"ERISIA?! DISCORD!" The three gods concluded all at once.

Aphrodite slapped her head. "Now I remember! She managed to get into my workshop a few weeks ago. She managed to get away with a few potions—one of them, which causes impotence until your true love sucks you! It is supposed to be a punishment for men who take love with a grain of salt!"

Iphicles started to cry again. "I'm doomed! My true love died years ago!"

Aphrodite paused, concentrated, and smiled. "No, Rena wasn't your true love."

"But..." He tried to protest, but Aphrodite cut him off.

"She wasn't your true love...Ares is."

All three men's jaws dropped at once. Iphicles was the first to recover, smiled dreamily as he thought of spending his life with Ares.

Aphrodite snapped her fingers in front of his face. "As much as I love to see that look on people, we first have to get Ares to suck you. As I see we have two problems. One, Ares never sucks. Two...once he finds out you've been sleeping around on him..." She didn't even finish her sentence before Iphicles started to wail again.

"He's going to think that I deserve it! I'll be impotent the rest of my life!"

With that remark, came an ominous rumbling, followed by two bright flashes, revealing Ares and Strife.

"Yeah, I think you do deserve to be impotent...I mean, giving up me, Ares, god of war for a bunch of underlings? What an insult! I really should just let you suffer."

Iphicles looked down cast, but Ares continued, "However, Strife here is quite good at bargaining, and if you agree to what I have to offer, I be nice and restore your cock to it's former potency."

Iphicles, being the slut that he is, was ready to agree to almost anything at this point. "What do you want from me?"

"Just a slight change in our relationship. No more of this "equality" bit. I'm your Master, you are my slave. I'll reward...and punish...you as I see fit. Fair enough? Besides...from what Strife here has been telling me, you've really gotten into this kinky lifestyle!"

Aphrodite smiled, encouraging Iphicles to accept the offer. After all, she is the Goddess of Love, and she knew that these two were meant to share the kinky lifestyle together.

"All right...I accept."

Aphrodite squealed, and cried daintily into a lace hanky. "I just love happy endings!" With that she flashed out.

"My cock?" Iphicles was close to whining, but managed to make it sound more like a plea.

"Everybody else, out now!" Ares looked up at the ceiling. "That means you too, Narrator!"

Bah! Narrators never get to have any fun! Since we were kicked out of the bedchamber, let's go find out what happened to Caesar...

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY COCK!! It's GONE!"

Bubbly lighthearted laughter rang throughout the halls of the Roman Senate.

The End